beautiful one

Wake up, Jesus!!

2007-07-31T06:03:00.000-07:00

So after this surreal week with Jesus, we can totally see his fatigue. I guess that's why he wanted to cross the lake. As soon as we put out to deeper waters, Jesus was OUT! Like...snoring, sprawled out on the pillow...out.

After some 15mins, Peter started to look worried... I didn't know why... oh? rain? ...within 3 mins, the boat rocked enough for an amateur sailor like me to know we needed to get the heck out of here.

Let me tell you: It JUST came. The only warning we had? Peter's look.

Wave after wave, the waters crashed into our little fishing boat. Our worries turn to panic, and then to HYSTERIA! At one point we tried to find cargo to dump....but we had nothing to dump!

Wait...where's Jesus!? JESUS!?! There he was...still....SLEEPING?? No way can a man sleep through this...SOMEONE WAKE HIM!! DAMN IT, WE ...WE MIGHT NOT LIVE THROUGH THIS AND HE SLEEPS?!

Someone finally shakes him. Master! Do you not care if we live or die?! HELP US!!!

Jesus gets up. Stumbles to the front of the boat. Somehow our attention, for a brief moment, shifted completely to him. He puts up his hand, and with authority, says, "Silence! Be still."

And...there was silence...and it was still.

How is this possible...? Our mouths gaped open in fear and... fear. This is not possible... or is it? Before I even have the time to ponder some more, He turns and stares at us. We feel ourselves shrink back a little, not sure what just happened and what ... is He, that even the waves and winds obey him!?...

He stares at all of us, but ...i feel like he's just staring at me. Then, oh man...

"Why are you so afraid?..."

Say what? Were...were we not supposed to be scared?! WHAT THE...

"...Do you still have no faith?"

Oh my. That...hurt. He didn't say it to hurt us. No, He couldn't have said it more lovingly. It was something else. In the mess that is my mind, something clicked. And I hate myself for it. MY GOODNESS, MAN!! WASN'T IT JUST A FEW DAYS AGO WHEN THIS MAN FED 5 THOUSAND?! AND DIDN'T WE WITNESS HIM HEAL THE BLIND, SICK, DEMON-POSSESSED?? DID WE NOT ENTRUST OUR LIVES TO HIM, BECAUSE WE BELIEVED HE WAS THE ACTUAL SON OF GOD?! Why...why do I still have no faith?

I wanted to beg him to forgive me. I wanted to bow and weep and bawl. All I was able to do, though, was... no... i just couldn't do anything.

Wow.... In the mist of the fear, shock, and pain, there was hope. Hope for us, but also, hope for the world.

I want to tell you but I can't.

2007-07-31T05:52:00.000-07:00

... that's all i can say!

Disowning Jesus?

2007-07-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

Mark 14:66-72; Matthew 26:69-75; Luke 22:56-62; John 18:16-18, 25-27

What makes this a story of impact is the predictability of it.

You have to turn a few pages back and really put yourself in that attic room with Jesus and the boys, and really feel that tension and discomfort as Jesus says to Peter, "You will disown me THREE times tonight."

Can you do that? I really can't...Why would Jesus say it? Just to fulfill scripture in Zechariah? Or at least, forewarn them of the upcoming fulfillment of scriptures BY the disciples? What went on in Jesus' mind at this point? Did He expect his disciples to just accept this? Was He pleased with their vocal convictions about willing to die before even thinking about leaving Jesus? John Mark, author of the Gospel of Mark, was the only one to record the reaction of the boys to Jesus' painful prediction. I suspect this is because John Mark consulted Peter a lot while writing this account, and Peter...well... he was broken the most from this event than all the disciples. He must have recalled his own reaction most vividly. He IS called the Rock, after all, and before that steady faith we know Peter for after Jesus' ascension, that same steady faith can be seen as a commoner's stubbornness. He just won't let it happen! "I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SCRIPTURES SAY, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME DENY YOU!" I laugh, but I feel that same confusion! WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SAY IN THAT SITUATION?!!

In John's Gospel, Jesus is recorded to say, "Will you REALLY lay down your life for me?..." What a challenge!!

On the FLIPSIDE...what would have happened if Peter, and the other Boyz, for that matter, DID lay their lives down for Jesus, with Jesus? I'm thinking, and loving, how this story is turning out. Like Joseph being sold to Egypt, the disciples are... unaware, again, of the bigger picture? Peter (in John) asks, "Lord, where are you going?"
"Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later."
"Lord, why can't I follow you NOW? I will lay down my life for you."

Jesus' next words seem to sound more like: "Oh Peter, you just won't. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

As you probably know...Peter become that important capstone of the first church. His testimony was definitely more crucial than if he were to be executed alongside Jesus.

BUT WHAT CHANGE IN CHARACTER!! He was later crucified UPSIDEDOWN for Christ's account. This was the man who called down curses on himself after someone in the courts identified him to be one of the JC's boys for the 3rd time.

What's to be taken from this? I really don't know. For me, it's 3 things:
1) When the time comes, will i REALLY lay my life down?
2) Character change is actually in God's timing.
3) Look at the bigger picture.

I'm not gonna come up with any applications for this. I hope you think about it yourself. I actually just don't know...

Meaning of My Life

2007-06-18T16:12:00.000-07:00

Back from the most meaningful trip of my life, ever. I'll talk about it with ya but i won't write it out for the general public....there was just too much that happened. And it was all in a matter of 6 weeks! God is amazing. His love is beyond our understanding, but that doesn't stop Him from pouring it out. I saw His love and wisdom in action, and what's more, He allowed me to take part in it!...man. How great is our GOD!!!

There's so much to be done here, but there's definitely more to be done there....God, will you use me to the fullest? It is at your service where I am fulfilled. Not satisfying my own wants, but letting you satisfy me. You gave me your utmost. I must give my utmost back.

I looked back into my blogs, not wanting to believe what people have told me about them. Few of my friends have read this and said it was good... i still don't understand, but as i read my entries again, i was touched at how...uhh...i guess...at the fact that i'm still alive! There was soooo much guilt and shame and torturous darkness. Where did that perseverance come from? where did that hope come from? Now i know...hahaha....(that was a laugh of content) that it was really the Spirit of God. And maybe it's that Spirit that blesses others when they read about how loving the Lord is!...and so i'll believe you guys for now. =P

Living Praise - by david crowder

2007-01-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

Psalm 50 (the message)

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2050;&version=65;

In junior high, i was quite teh jokester. Now i am quite dull, but back then i had routines. WEll-rehearsed lines that were sure to retrieve a few chuckles from my classmates. One of my favorite bits was as follows:

First i wold spot a group of peers. THe larger the better. No less than seven. They were required to be in a disorganised clump but close enough in proximity to one another for the unaided human voice to reach each individual.
Once i spotted the proper environment i would then project my voice with a weight of importance, indicating the necessity of promptness in response. Some phrases that might be used were "Hey, come here." "EVeryone. Pay attention. Over here." "Come close!" "Closer." "Really. Everyone lean in." "Quiet now. Listen." "I have something to say." After i had ensured complete silence and every eye was locked to mine, i would wait. I would silently look from person to person to person with a slightly approving grin. Inevitably, someone's patience would cease and he or she would say, "What?!" in a raised, aggravated tone. In response, i would allow the grin to grow, to creeep over my face, blooming into full smile. Then I, with utmost timing, would unleach the punch line: "I just wanted to be the center of attention."
Of course, then I would receive punches and some small amount of verbal abuse, but it was so worth it. I was always worth it. It never got old. Everytime I executed it with passion, and everytime they fell for it. The story of some boy crying wolf was lost on me. The moral never hit home. I was sure that this bo doing the crying wasn't passionate enough. He never sold it. I, on the other hand, could sell it everytime.

Psalm 50 starts with what must be one of the grandest statements of history. GOD informs us that He is about to speak. And if there is confusion about which god, well it's God the God of gods - GOD. You know, Caps Lock GOD. I'm pretty sure no other gods get the Caps Lock key. When Caps Lock happens it indicates a translating o fthe personal name of God. THe one revealed to Moses at teh burning bush. You will see it in some translations as LORD. Caps Lock. Caps Lock GOD doesn't show up to make a meek request, "Um, Excuse me. Uh, okay, I'm about to say a few things, if I could have your attention please." No, this is not what happens. His entrance is huge!! He speak - no, shouts - "Earth!" Whoa. The hair on the back of my neck just stood up. THis voice could split you apart. GOD shows up shining, scattering glitterd beams everywhere, His magnificent splendor on display. THe whole of the Heavens are summoned. All of the cosmos is at attention. This is HUGE! It is our Creator who is about to speak. The One who started this all is about to open His mouth as judge.

He starts the proceedings with good news. He states that He doesn't find fault with Israel's blood sacrifices. But then He begins to question. He asks why He should want them? Did He not create teh bull and the goat? DO we think He is hungry and in need of them to feast on? Is He thirsty and the thing fit to quench such thirst is the blood of a freshly slain lamb? THen after this rhetorical line of questioning, He makes what i think could be a defining statement for our understanding of praise. The sacrifice Caps Lock GOD is looking for....praise.

What? Isn't that like calling us all together to say, "Hey, I just wanted to be the center of attention"? Let me try to reframe GOD's address and perhaps make it cut a little more for our moment.

"I don't find fault with your singing of songs. But do you think I'm in great need of music? Do you think it is too quiet where I am? Did I not make the air molecules to vibrate and dance in such a way to let melody float from here to there? DO you think I am in great need of hearing these songs that were my breathings in the first place?"

We may argue, "Isn't that praise? Songs = Praise, right?" I think they're more like burnt offerings. The good news is that GOD doesn't find fault with our song offerings. THere's nothing wrong with them. In fact, they can be beautiful expressions. But often they're nothing more than ritual, and at their worstthey can even be provoking to GOD. Well then, what is He looking for? What is this praise He's after? It is Praise Living. It is GOD leaning in and shouting, " I am the center!" and the sum of our lives nodding back in agreement. It is the core of our hearts echoing this statement. THe difference between my juvenile prank and teh statement GOD makes is that He speaks the facts. He is not begging to be the center - He is the center. He is the source. Our songs might verbalise and echo that at times, but so what? It is the nuts and bolts of our living that indicate if we really think this is truth. I would be so bold as to say eating barbeque and wearing the sauce on your fingers and face and a grin as big as Texas with the knowledge that Caps Lock GOD is at the centre of this can be truer praise than belting this "song ritual" that we have elevated to dangerous heights.

According to this psalm, even the simplicity of calling out to Him in times of trouble is considered the truer sacrifice. How surprising is that? And how easy? Higher than our ritual is the simple acknowledgement that, in truth, He is what we need. We, like the Israelites, often find rescue in the burnt offering and not in the GOD who is the source of it all. WE find comfort in the song and not in the Comforter. It is a subtle but necessary shift. It is more difficult to find the Creator in a barbeque sandwich than in your favorite Sunday-morning song, but WHEN you do, when you begin to find Him in all the stuff of life, everything starts singing. Every moment breaks into song. Every breath becomes sacrifice, and the songs become sweetness. This is Living Praise

Devos continued

2006-10-07T21:55:00.000-07:00

I want to write them, not with the sole purpose of trying to help others, but for me. Ultimately, i've been, in the past, trying to write personal devos, with a mind to attempt to address issues that might help others. but that went too far, and i lost what it means to do devos...to take some time and devote it to God.

so i'm gonna continue to write, but i will spend time with God, not to impress men. hmm.....if anything, i should just write in a boook somewhere....

we'lll see...

backtracked, but at least i'm now heading in the right direction.

2006-10-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Humility hurts.

Truth hurts.

Discipline hurts.

I'm in a heck of a lot of pain right now.

But God's Son is my Doctor.
His Blood my disinfectant.
His mercy and grace my ointment.

His Love my healing.

I'm in a very WEIRD place right now

2006-09-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'm almost COMPLETELY lost... assuming that by "completely lost" would mean completely hopeless. I think the last two nights, i've come to the closest to denouncing everything I've believed in and ... then what?

I had wanted to say that this is just an attack of Satan, but for a while i told myself to be wary of saying such a thing and not actually believe it.

Yeah these couple of days, i did some...unofficial, half-intelligent self-evaluations...and there was a point when i thought..."i don't know what it means to love GOD...and if this is the case, then how do i even know who God is?"

Lies!

LIES!

i want to say they're all lies...i just want to blame someone...anyone.

i worry so much about how people will think about me...

A brother said something that hit me hard recently during a deep smallgroup session, where we shared our troubles and struggles, and the common theme of being lost and feeling unauthentic. He said that he was glad to hear us (some other brothers)open up to each other, but was sorta surprised to hear it from us, because he had, in his mind, placed us on the top 5 most spiritual people in CCF. At first i just joked, "Guess we're just THAT good at faking it."

the truth is....i'm just THAT lost.

but all that was not what puts me in a weird place right now.

It's that the God who i can't see, the God who i can't touch, the God who i can't feel love for.....is...still holding on to me?...or....in a more sadistic way of putting it....my emotions are so fickle, and upon hearing, or seeing someone beautiful, i can't help but FEEEEEL there IS a God, and that He DOES care.

Weird: i feel God when i think He doesn't exist, and when i know He exists, i don't feel Him. there's this separation of my logic and emotion. And i think back to the definition of Love that Voddie provided, where love is AN ACT OF THE WILL...but it is also ACCOMPANIED BY EMOTIONS.

but the question is....would i still feel HIM if i never believed HIM? Why do i still attribute the faint hope i feel as His hope?

Drew Brown has a song, and the first verse of it is:

You lose yourself to find yourself again

you hold your breath just to get your second wind

and you curse the sky to make me bleed again

you're not fast enough to outrun the truth,

and you know i'm right; it's killing you.

and the chorus is simply:

Give me all you've got, i can take it

show me what you've got, i'm always ready

REACH OUT for love!

cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you, cuz i am reaching out for you.....

i take it back...it's not as much as being in a weird place as it is just me being weird.

Jeremiah

2006-09-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

In the process of reading Jeremiah, i'm seeing a lot of pain and suffering in GOD. As He's spelling out the punishment for His people, i can't help but feel God Almighty choking as He's saying it.

Is it too much for me to attribute such (weak) characteristic on God? Should i read it all as Him just laying the smack down on Jerusalem just cuz the Jew have disobeyed? At times it feels like that...as Jeremiah laments on behave of the Jews, but God seems to disregard Jeremiah's plea and intercession, and continues His rant against the Jews.

I'm only up to chap 9, but so far, it has been an emotional ride for both Jeremiah and God.

I also kept, subconsciously, relating my own disobedience to that of the Jews...and wondering if my own current disarray is a result of it.

of course, my situation is different in that, Christ is a main factor that changes the consequences. Or does it? I'm being refined and tested, just as God was doin to the Jews...He promised to destroy, but not completely, His people, as the consequence of their disobedience. Christ's salvation does not mean God will not "not completely destroy" me. God still refines those He loves.

Hong Kong part 2 - coming back

2006-09-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

Praise God for many things.

He has revealed a lot about Himself and myself to me during the 2 weeks i was in HK.

But coming back...i'm lost again.

so many life uncertainties have gotten me wondering about MY life's certainties. WHat is CERTAIN in my life? what is true in my life?

I have been dwelling on my own identity for the past few weeks, and i guess i should thank God for making me think about it now rather than later. Aside from the most obvious answers...no not aside....more like....i'm rethinking the most obvious answers. Who am i? the most "obvious" one would be: God's child. But what does that mean, exactly? what does that entail, involve, include, imply? more importantly, DO I EVEN UNDERSTAND IT WHEN I PROCLAIM IT? and CAN I SAY I UNDERSTAND IT, EVER?

I've also been feeling like i don't belong anywhere. guess that comes with the lack of identity.

Lord God, tell me, Who am i? and What am i doing here? You started this, plz finish it.

Hong Kong

2006-09-04T00:32:00.000-07:00

Pray for this battlefield, for me and for the city.

I had tons to say when i was on the streets, but now that i'm on the comp, i can't seem to spell it out.

It just feels weird being here. I feel uncomfortable, insecure, dirty, out of place, and alone, even though there are 6.5 million other human beings residing here. i just can't seem to relate to these people. there it is again!... "these people" Everytime i see a caucasian or hear someone speak english, i just want to jump in and say, I"M ONE OF YOU!....why?

I'm also bombarded with temptation everywhere i go...and i'm more tempted to cave in because of the fact that i'll probably never see anybody here ever again, and that i don't have to face the shame if i get caught....

I'll be honest with you, reader, that i've found (accidentally) a red-light district full of strip-joints and caucasian bars. I can't say that this is the first time i'm tempted to enter either of those, but now i'm....i felt drawn by these evil places, like i HAVE to seize this opportunity to do something that my body yearns for. i ran out of that area, screaming in my head, "GOD, you and I will be victorious. You and I can beat this."

It's gonna be a loooooong 9 days left here.

love to tell you more..but...i mean....what else is left to tell?

nothing is significant enough

2006-08-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

Been a while...

i don't feel like naming this post a "devo." i think, perhaps i've strayed from the idea of devotion, and gone off to create posts that just screams: listen to me! i know stuff! i'm important!...and i labelled them "quasi-" cuz i know in my mind that they have a high tendency to be biased and even wrong.

I've been wandering, and i'm afraid to admit to anyone. I've been a leader without knowing WHY. And now i want to hide my incompetence and lack of discipline/diligence from those who know me.
Worse is the fact that i don't want to stop pretending to be a leader, because i feel more natural being in charge, and ....it's a weird feeling.

so this is what pure pride is...it's so deep that i've lost my identity. i no longer know what's genuine and fake in myself.

everything is in disarray.

But God is good.

wow that took a lot just to type that out!...

God, did you mean for me to succeed? or is trying good enough? I'm not even talking about trying to gain salvation for myself, but just TRYING to just HOLD ON to you.

where is my resolve? where is my closure?
why do i make insignificance bigger than YOU?

Devo #12 - Witnessing to a drunk stranger

2006-07-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

so Danimal and I were just talking about CCF stuff in front of my Hamilton house, when this guy just comes up to us, barefoot, and asks how we were doing. I don't know about Dan, but I stayed and made conversation not cuz I wanted to (i had really wanted to go inside and play some computer games before i slept), but cuz i felt it would be rude not to. I almost did go in when the guy (we'll call him Jim) told us that he just left a keg party.

We first talked about...how school sucks (hahahaha i find that most of my conversations always have this component), how work sucks, and how school and work sucks most when you have both. The conversation got a bit deeper as we started on world issues. Here's where my memory gets a little hazy, so if you want a more accurate sequence of events, you should ask Danimal.

In summary, we started with world conflicts, then went on to world religions. Then we asked him about his personal beliefs. He told us, and proceded to proved to us, that he's pretty well educated in the field of world religions (he told us he took one religion course at Mac, and that his father is a Jew converted from the Catholic church). His knowledge of faith is very broad, but general and non-specific. Nonetheless, he knew enough to put up a debate on religion.

He told us that he hates organised religion, that Christianity (when we mentioned it, and that we were Christians) brings good values, but since he already lives by most of what is taught in our faith, he doesn't think he NEEDS Jesus. He also mentioned that he hates organised religion because he doesn't want someone else to dictate his faith in the whatever god, THAT HE WANTS IT TO BE PERSONAL, WITHOUT A MIDDLEMAN. He then told us that he atheist, but believes in a higher power that he would like to get a hold of.

Danimal and I got excited over this...OF COURSE WE TOLD HIM ABOUT CHRIST. Instead of being excited to have heard of such good news, however, Jim kept replying to all our comments of Christ with............something non-sensical and responses that don't flow with the dialogue. He knows of the significance of Christ to Christians, but when we asked him about his interests, if anything, he replied with, "I just don't feel likeI need Him."

This made me realise how true it is that Christ is not received through knowledge alone. Just KNOWING Christ does not mean He'll acknowledge knowing YOU. He will say, "I tell you the truth, I don't know you." (Matt 25:12)

"21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength."
1 Corinthians 1: 21-25

It's crazy how Paul's letter to the Corinthians is still reality in this time and age. The Jews STILL have a hard time accepting Christ, while everyone else still thinks it's foolishness to follow someone they don't care about.

How do we witness to a culture which emphasizes exclusive intelligence?

Can we convert the matter of the Love of God into an intelligent argument?

Should we?

Devo #11 - psalm (or just me trying to be poetic)

2006-07-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

Better today than yesterday.
Better tomorrow than today.
There is always HOPE when you align yourself under the shadow of the Cross.

God, how I long for your shades! You shelter me from evil, yet,
like sheep, I keep wandering from your presence.
Is there no other way to keep me by your side?
Bind me, Lord, tie me up if you have to!
My heart seems stronger than my mind;
My infatuation of the world
seems stronger than my love for You!

Do I not love You, Oh GOD of GODS?
In times of darkness, why do I run towards the even darker?
You are the satisfaction of my sane mind. Then allow me to be sane!
LET me be SATISFIED!
Or grant me sweet mindlessness,
so that I may not dwell in self-pity and guilt.

Your Light is bright, Dear King, brighter than any sun or star.
But I have created the ultimate sunblock,
and I regret it.
Wash me clean of that artificial FILTH! Let me see and absorb Your goodness!
Let me be warmed in Your presence, and guiltless before Your eyes.

The brightest place to be is in the shadow of the Cross.

Devo? - lament/whining

2006-07-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

First it was a rain-while-on-bike problem
then it was a self-control problem
then it was a fly infestation problem
then it was a glass problem
then it was a glass-in-my-hand problem
then it was a someone-buying-a-better-fly-killer-thing-than-mine-
thus-rendering-mine-useless-and-A-waste-of-money-and-also-
meaning-my-hands-got-bloody-for-nothing problem

After typing all that out...i don't think i should complain about those things. But now i'm kinda pissed at myself cuz i just realised that all the typing and the dashes was a vain attempt to seek pity, which i DON'T want.

I KNOW you've all had that kinda day....every little thing has just gone WRONG. HAYWIRE. AGAINST YOU. These little things....they keep you from being focused on the BIG things. It's so HARD to remember how good God is today. A part of me is still thinking that i should be studying and writing my term paper which is due next wednesday that i haven't started. (that's another problem). Funny how i'm now spending time with Him.

Sometimes you feel that the Psalms that lament to God, that begs for comfort from Him, does not even apply to you, because you know how much the psalmists suffered, and you know your pains do not deserve attention. You think that you yourself should work out these little things (glass in hand should be nothing compared to having a king after your ass). I know this is the general problem in guys, specifically.

I typed in the word "comfort" in the search block of biblegateway.com, hoping that a verse will comfort me. None of them seem to be relevant. THAT'S THE WORST!! when it seems the BIBLE isn't speaking what i want to hear.
How foolish I am. I haven't been focusing on the bigger picture. God is still there and still GOOD!

When darkness seems to hide his face, I rest on His unchanging Grace;
in ev'ry high and stormy gale My anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ, the solid rock I stand; All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

-ON SOLID GROUND, Charlie Hall, original words by Edward Mote

I'm really starting to understand this whole "unchanging" concept. Despite our PERCEPTION of Christ, depending on moods and circumstances, His LOVE and GRACE is still loving and graceful.

It's always about the big picture.

And the big picture sure looks good.

Devo #10 - Extreme Forgiveness, Extreme Love

2006-06-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

read this article, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/5129350.stm

Following recent comments from Lord's Resistance Army rebel leader Joseph Kony in which he denied committing atrocities, Ugandan Ochola John, 25, responds by telling his story. He was abducted by rebels from his village, Namkora in northern Uganda, which was attacked in February 2002. During the attack 50 people were axed to death and he was one of 35 abductees.

I wish I could be born again. It hurts me to see my reflection because of the way I now look.
The memories of it all are so painful.
It was in the night when I saw a number of torches flash at me. I was commanded to lie down facing the ground. As I did so, the rebels began raiding other houses around me.
They arrested many - tying, and lying the victims on the ground in three lines.
People were screaming from all corners of our village.
Two men were tied and forced onto the ground where their heads were joined together. The rebels tried to force me to pick up a log and hit their heads but I refused so one came for me with a knife and cut off my left ear. He accused me of being a government soldier and said that I would be finished off if I failed to smash their heads.
But then, they started smashing the people's heads themselves. I was put in the middle as they smashed the people's heads.
Abducted
At about 0700 in the morning, they led 35 of us into the bush. About five kms (approximately three miles) from the scene they began taunting me, saying that I was big-headed, and because I refused to respect them I would be cooked alive.
They kept on beating us and they denied food or water from us. We complained saying we were hungry and thirsty. They stopped raping the women that were in our group and acted as though they were going to let us eat and drink. The ladies were forced to boil water in a big tin.
Shortly after this they announced that we would eat the government soldier - supposedly, me.
For a long time, the rebels took turns at beating us men with hot metal, and raping the girls.
I was already spiritually dead.
They returned to me at some point and re-tied me before chopping off my lips. They then cut off my right ear and my nose.
Some time later their commander Joseph Kony phoned, telling them to leave the place immediately.
We were then relocated about 15km further into the bush.
Bad omen
I was bleeding. I could not cry anymore and for two days I couldn't drink water.
The rebels debated for two days whether or not I was to be killed. They told me I was a bad omen and so must suffer.
My wounds had begun to rot. The smell was so bad. But still they refused me any treatment.
Then on the seventh day, because I never expected to live, I insulted their commander in the hope that in revenge he would kill me.
He just ordered his soldiers to cut off my hands. They did.
That evening I remember seeing my fellow female abductees crying. One of them had been killed and another had had her breast cut off.
I don't know how but by what I think was the eleventh day of being abducted I was still living.
Helpless
The rebels kept telling me that I would soon be dead. They picked out two of the starving, tired girls that could hardly even walk from being repeatedly raped and ordered them to take me home.
The three of us were helpless. The girls were crying, inconsolably, when some government soldiers found us following a further night spent out in the open.
They took us straight to the nearest hospital where we received treatment. On reaching hospital, my wife came to see me with my parents, relatives and friends.
They found it hard to see me as a human being. I was rotting, smelly and deformed.
Time
My wife could not find words to speak to me. She just felt very sick.
My thoughts were filled with bitterness. I hated life and wished that I had just been killed. All I wanted was to commit suicide and die.
My wife started taking care of me in the hospital. I had asked her to leave me alone, explaining that because I was deformed, I couldn't be her husband anymore.
She refused. Over and over she rejected my request, saying that the baby she was carrying for us, the child we were expecting, needed a father.
She kept saying that I hadn't asked to be deformed like that and someday God would let me know why I had been put through such an ordeal.
My wife, Grace, with time helped to suppress my terrible feelings and thoughts.
When our baby boy was born, I named him Anywar, which in our Luo language means an insult or an abuse.
I named him so because of what the Lord's Resistance Army leader, Joseph Kony, did to me.
I try, but I cannot forgive, and I cannot forget.

Before you pull out a Sunday School answer, try to relate. Ok so hopefully that's next to impossible, but...

Do you guys find it ironic, even twisted, how the antagonist here is called the Lord's Resistance Army?

And what about the name of his wife: Grace? that's convenient =)

oh Don't get me wrong. Grace is never convenient.

Eph 2:8-9, "For it is by GRACE you have been saved..." Yes it is talking about God's grace. And how wonderful it is!! But lest you start to undervalue this, here is a reminder.

It was the same grace that manifested in Christ when He prayed on the Mount of Olives, "Abba, Father, all things are possible to thee; remove this cup from me; yet not what I will, but what thou wilt."

It was the same grace that manifested in Christ when He prayed on the Cross, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

If Christ is God's son, and God is graceful, it would make sense then that Christ IS the Grace, the Gift, from God. Moreover, since Christ IS God, CHRIST IS ALSO GRACEFUL.

We could say that Christ is the Gift that keeps on giving.

How do we tell Ochola John that he needs to forgive? I'm thinking, we don't. I'm also thinking we should pray that Mr. John will hear Christ's persuasion to forgive, that he would see Jesus as his ultimate role model for forgiveness and love, because the Cross beats all human suffering. No-one will ever suffer more than Christ has suffered, and no-one will be able to forgive more than Christ has forgave. But here we are, commanded to "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Col 3:13

I have a feeling that his bitterness will be temporary, due to the Grace in his life. And that includes his wife. =) She is demonstrating that biblical love that Voddie Bauchem pointed out in his "Love and Marriage" sermons. Although he only used it in context of love between man and woman, i believe this definition applies to all 4 types of biblical love. Biblical love, as he defined it, is this: love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion, that leads to action on behalf of its object. GRACE(the wife) CHOOSES to love Ochola, and one can assume that this relationship is not VOID of emotion. She CHOOSES to stay with her deformed lover.

sorry i just thought that was a nice connection to what i recently learned.

(notice his first line in the article was "wish i was born again." ahaha...if he doesn't know Jesus yet, MAN he's so READY!)

Our hearts go out to you, Mr. John.

Our prayers go up to you, Almighty God of Grace.

Devo #9

2006-06-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

ok

i'm speechless....no....i have a lot to say...i just ...can't ....hold it all in.....so i don't ...knwo what to say!

For those who HAVE heard the Voddie sermons of love and marriage. I really want to know how you feel about it. And plz, bear with me as i talk about it here.

I wanted to finish the whole series before i share with you guys (right now i've heard 1,2 and 4 of 4) but i just can't...i need to speak you directly.

2 Corinthians 6:14-18

Do Not Be Yoked With Unbelievers

14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."
17"Therefore come out from them
and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you."
18"I will be a Father to you,
and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."

I know i've used this passage before.

similarly,

Ephesians 5:5-14

5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.^[a] 6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them. 8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible.

ok what is the point?

Those of you in a relationship...EVALUATE!!!!
Those of you in a relationship where the "significant" other is NOT a Christian....

WAKE UP!!!!!!!

WHY DO YOU "LOVE" AND ASK GOD TO HELP WHEN CLEARLY IT IS A SIN AND NOT WHAT GOD WANTS?!?!...because it feels good!...because you're in too deep....because you feel you've committed.....

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!! pleeeeeeeaaaaassssseeeee!!!! it's never too late...GOD don't think it's too late!!! if you can still say this to yourself, then God hasn't unleashed his WRAiTH yet.

I am no expert. I'm not qualified to counsel. But i WILL from now on ask God for the wisdom and courage to tell you STRAIGHT UP, IN LOVE,
"you have no excuse to continue investing your time with this person."

I will not give my own reasoning....i'll just hand you the bible.
pleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeee, my friends!! As I heard this sermon, my heart broke because I was reminded of you. and that i was too wimpy to say anything. As Voddie will tell you, read Eph 5 and 6 for the BASIC guidelines to finding a Godly partner, one who partners with God first and foremost.

FOR YOU WHO ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A FELLOW CHRISTIAN....evaluate...please....i beg you NOT to be afraid to say the other isn't "the ONE...ONE...one...one...."(you'll get it if you watch the sermon =P)

what is your purpose for being together, and don't say it's to "serve God's kingdom" and leave it at that!!!!....

do YOU know what the purpose of your relation is?!...is it for procreation of more Godly people and Illustration of Christ's love for his Church? these two are the most important ...no....the two sole purposes of marriage. at least, Godly marriage.

you're asking who the heck do i think i am to say all these things...

i'm not making these things up outta my own knowledge....HECK, I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED THIS MYSELF!....But please, all who read this.....THINK AND RETHINK...PRAY AND THEN PRAY SOME MORE....TALK TO FRIENDS AND THEN TALK TO PARENTS AND THEN TALK TO MORE FRIENDS....THEN PRAY SOME MORE!! WHAT IS SOOOO GOOD SHOULD NOT BE TAINTED BY SELFISH AMBITIONS.

be honest.

contact me if you want to know about the sermon....
i'll BUY it from the 722 website for you if i have to.

Love and Marriage...?

2006-06-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

I finally got a chance to start listening to Voddie B. from the 722 site. He is one DANGEROUSLY powerful speaker! Dangerous in that...God WILL use him to SHAKE AND DESTROY things in our lives...

But enough about that guy. Hahaha... all that passion in his message, and the message itself, really...got to me... uh oh...you give me, an emotional single guy, a message of hope of "God's got a girl in store for you"...and you'll get me more fervently writing up a mental list of "potentials." Crap...Something i DONT' need to think about right now.

wait...hold on a second...Why CAN'T i think about it right now? WHY DO I KEEP THINKING THIS ISN'T FROM GOD?!...

Do YOU know?

What does it mean to be READY?... perhaps...and it sucks to admit it....that i MIGHT have been wrong in my thoughts of relationships. For those who have talked to me about relationships, you'd know that i was a great supporter of singleness at this point in our lives. My reason had been (and i guess, until further self-eval., still IS) that i will be ready when i know i've gotten rid of my deep nastiness's (that's not grammatically correct, shut up). I want those things out of my life completely before i even THINK about someone to share my life with. That's either a very noble or a very prideful attitude....i'm basically saying..."i don't want to hurt you. I want to be perfect when i marry you." ok ok...i really dont' know... for one thing, i know my deep nastiness's (shut up, i suck, i know) can and probably WILL destroy relationships...AND i've never heard of a situation (not yet anyway, share you success story plz!) where the relationship actually helped with the sin. It has always been destruction in my knowledge...

ok so here's THAT dilemma.

I think a while back I blogged about facts and feelings. I stand by that, because it's truth. I'm not sure, however, if i had underplayed the importance of emotions or not. I'm still not sure.
And i have to say, it FEELS like God's placed in me a desire for someone. Logically speaking, or rather, logically ASKING, is that enough?
so the question is, is there a difference between,
a) I feel, or
b) God's making me feel.

and...are my emotions really that far off from logic? or is it because i've so compartmentalized fact and feeling that if i have the emotion, i look for facts that specifically go against the feeling?

hey did i ever tell you i'm messed up? =D

it's like...never ending logic that discredits itself if i dont' go on explaining it, but i dont have that mental capacity to keep goin....

hahaha oh man.

and Voddie's message reminds me of Josh Harris' book, Kissing Dating Goodbye......hmmm

Devo #8 - Challenge

2006-06-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

Take time to say hi to someone you haven't said it to for a long time.

and as you decide who you're going to say hi to and what you are going to say afterwards, evaluate your own thoughts:

how did you come to choosing this person?
how come you haven't talked to him/her for so long?
did you choose someone you are relatively comfortable to talk to?
or did you choose someone you knew could use some extra attention?

how did/do you compare yourself to this person who you're gonna talk to?

Philippians 2:3....well the whole chapter...the whole book, even, teaches Christ-HUMILITY. Paul uses selfish ambitions and vain conceit to contrast his points.

How many forms of pride can you pick out in your lives?...

I apologise for writing some of these blogs out of an attitude that I was a few steps ahead of whoever reads these.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition and vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves" - Phil 2: 3

brothers and sisters

2006-06-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

I thank you all for showing your care and concern! I have been stuggling a lot with my own imperfection and the godlessness of the world. I wanted to ...i guess....you can say i DIDN'T want to hide my frustration anymore. I don't want to be the kind of person that wants people to think I'm all that. As I was open with my struggles, so were you in your kindness... I'm extremely thankful! and kind of sorry i made some of you worry for me.

In any case, You guys rock because God Rocks!!

ps....i just made up that number...don't call it....my number is 289 440 0079....plz call or at least, give me yours so i can talk with you.

FULL of your and His Love,

paul

sigh

2006-06-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

and life goes on...i thnk i'm still waiting for God to snap his fingers and restore me...maybe not in an instant, but maybe within these few years...it's hurting...why won't it stop....you suck....this is stupid....who are you talking to.... sigh....come on man...God forgave you already, so why can't you forgive yourself...it's not even about forgiveness....i don't want it....i want it so that i don't need to ask for forgiveness....that's stupid....who do you think you are?....so are we supposed to be mediocre for the rest of our lives?....who are you calling mediocre?.... by whose standard?.... so there's a lack of identity here....where is your worth?.... do i even know what i'm talking about?....i hate these questions....my room is dirty...you need to clean it.....shut up....i'm a drama queen....hahahahaha.... random thoughts.... see i told you i have ADHD. why won't anyone believe me?....cuz they don't know what ADHD is. especially when you want to define it for yourself....does it sound like i'm looking for pity?....no....yes.....and now you're thinking about who's gonna read this .....and they're gonna think you're just trying to show off your unique...something...right?..... i don't really care.... my reputation means nothing to me anymore..... does it now.....it doesn't. why should i care?.....why shouldn't you care? and why you still so morbid?....look who's talking..... you don't make sense.....you don't make sense....it's cool outside.....stop changing the subject plz....i rather talk about the weather. maybe i'll talk about weather the rest of my life.....this is a cry for help.....i need help.....someone told me i was a deep thinker. i asked if he thought that was a good thing.....i don't know anymore.....you never knew it in the first place......i sang hymns the whole morning.... where's that paul now? ....i was called a ladies' man.....you noticed that too right?....i did....i told dan before.....i wonder if anyone will read up to here.....let's test it..... if you know me, call me at 905 525 5500.....and ask me how i'm doing.....no better yet.....don't ask me that..... you know what i realised...... only a handful of people initiate conversation with me..... why do you think that is?....you tell me.....i have no idea..... i hate that......maybe you have better friends to tend to....and i guess you can't initiate conversation with everyone everytime you see them online..... then why are you complaining?....?.....what do you think this blog is for, jackass.....are you done yet?....do i have a time limit?..... you need to clean your room.....i need to clean my room.... you're 22 man..... shut up.....no you shut up, i can't stand you....when will you realise God's grace?.....how do you "realise" it?......when you stop typing, maybe you'll start to..... i know it already....you don't realise it though....it's just very hard to accept.....you know it.....i want to realise it.....you know where to look............... don't you?..... can i give up my faith?....do you want to?.....i'm not what that means though..... if you want to get rid of imperfection, then i don't think giving up Christ is a good way to get there.....i don't actually know what woul dlook like...life without Christ?....life NOT knowin Him..... wanna try?.....should i?.....feels like we've been there before.....does this sound like crazy talk only cuz we're chinese and stuff?....how long do you want to go on with this stupidity.....it's not stupid.... someday i'll read this and be like.....i was messed but God pulled me through......what about when you're kids read this someday. why can't you just store this on your comp....so i guess i do want to let people know how messed i am.....so much pride....too much.....yeah that's it.....i'm tired....if you know me you wouldnt have called that number.

Devo # 7- Surrendering

2006-05-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

Today I'm exhausted. Not physically, but spiritually. And NOT because I've been doing sooo many Christian things or what not...I'm tired because of the battle within me.

Specifically this battle:

Be My Slave.

well that's what i get from one end. the other end is saying, "don't be anyone's slave, just do what YOU want."

Why do i want to be a slave? What does it mean to be a slave? Who is worthy to be my master?

So this guy comes along and tells me to be his slave. This is quite awkward, cuz he's not MAKING me do it, nor does he come with an army to try to conquer me. He just says, simply, "SURRENDER ALL, and BE MY SLAVE."
I laugh, not knowing what else to say. "Are you...threatening me?"
"I know what's good for you. This will be good for you."
I'm thinking...no thanks, i'm doing quite well. But i was curious to what good can come out of THIS slavery.
"I...have no idea...uhh....so....you want me to...what?"
"BE MY SLAVE."
"then perhaps i don't understand what you mean by slave then...you want me to give up everything i've done, earned, loved. all that i'm working on. all that i'll ever be. to give it all up to you....and....then what?...what do you want me to do for you? for the sake of argument, let's assume i DO decide to be your slave (giggles)...what do you want from me?!"
"YOU'LL FIND OUT. YOU'VE GOT TO TRUST THAT THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU."
i can't seem to downright reject this offer...as ridiculous and absurd as it sounds. Slavery for my own good? ...

That's as far as this conversation can go, i think...If ever a MAN comes and asks these things of you, i hope you don't hesitate to reject.

You'd think it would be easier to know that it wasn't a man asking to be my master, but GOD....but.... somehow it seems harder.

Knowing that GOD is righteous and will never use you for bad...
Knowing that GOD omnipotent and knows the good from the bad...
Knowing that GOD is love and will never turn away...

Uncertainty is my big problem. Not fully knowing God's plan for me is causing me to think, "maybe i should just find my own fulfillment in life." Satan is good at hiding this, so my self-dependence is less than noticable, even to myself.

God, help me to be a faithful servant, a good slave in your Kingdom.

daily reminder

2006-04-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

where there is pain, there is also joy, if you know where to look for it.

you look up.

you look at the cross.

you look at the empty tomb.

"All God's children singing
GLORY GLORY, HALLELUJAH
HE REIGNS!"

Newsboys - He Reigns

Good Friday Devo

2006-04-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

His pain is greater than ours.

Let us try to exploring just how much greater it is.

Think of a time when you were really physically hurt. A broken arm, cancer, migraine, stomache ache, being punched in the face and losing teeth, kidney stones, being stabbed. Your most painful experiences.

1) This is physical pain.

Think of an instance of sin in your life. Something recent, with the feelings of guilt still fresh in your mind. Now think of a sin that still tortures you when you are reminded of it. Something that you did that you KNOW you are forgiven for, but the fact that you DID it makes you question your own human decency. Something so shameful that you wish no-one on earth will ever UNEARTH.

2) This is guilt, and shame.

Think of all the times you were betrayed. Now focus specifically on the ones when you were betrayed by the ones you love. The people that you thought were your "people," your "family." Perhaps they were not there for you when needed. Perhaps they turned their backs on you when you were suffering. Or worse, they were the ones who INTENTIONALLY inflicted pain, emotionally and physically, on you.

3) This is betrayal.

Think of the moments of your innocence, and then someone comes and puts the blame on you. What anger and confusion and frustration when they thought you were guilty of things you did not commit! The situation may differ if you were the one volunteering to take the blame. Or does it? Have you ever taken the blame for something willingly? And not only the blame, but the consequences that followed?

4) This is stolen innocence.

There's more, but let's use what we have.
Add up points 1 through 4. Imagine you had all 4 at the same time.
Let's call this sum,

"HELL."

You think you got the idea?

You don't. We'll never get the full idea. And it's only the idea we're talking about.

Now think of the population of Jerusalem, back in Jesus' time.
Add that to the population of the world, back in Jesus' time.
Add that to the population of the world, before AND after Jesus.
If that's too much, just try to comprehend every single human that has ever existed and is existing and will be existant, and their "HELL."

Think about the times when you think God's not with you. The emptiness from the thought of being away from God, and the devastation from the thought of God being away from you. The fact is, we can only THINK that God's not with us, or THINK that God's not there for us. As Christians, we know of the promise that is Jesus.

Unlike us, Jesus was IN Hell....not "HELL," as we defined it, but the very definition of Hell: Godlessness. God cannot look upon evil, and His son had just become the vesicle for ALL evil.

The Father turned His face from His own son.
The Son took our "HELL," and it took Him to Hell.

His pain was greater than ours.
His Hell was greater than ours.

Devo #6 - Do not conform to this world

2006-03-09T22:51:00.000-08:00

I sat at my door step tonight, (a thursday, clubbing night here in Hamilton) and it was about 2 am. I watched in silence the drunk passersby that walk, and shout and sometimes (i suspect) drive by the main intersection where my house is so annoyingly close to.

I watched, and I remembered what many people, including Christians, have told me about how to witness to these people. They told me things like, "it's ok to watch a bit of violence there, or listen to a few rap songs about sex here, because we need to connect with this world in order to get to know them...so we can witness to them on their level" and so on. I remembered how there were many Christians who explained to me, "it's not wrong...." when I had questioned them about their actions.

Do I sound legalistic? If I do, let me know. Legalism is when you seek favor in God's eyes through deeds, NOT from the heart. My concern is the fact that people have used that and twisted it. WE ALL SIN, but our salvation is complete. This is, however, only our status. We need to ask God to save us, daily, by the hour, by the minute, from sin and from ourselves.

So what happens when a Christian SAYS he loves God, but His life does not show it, either because there is pride, or maybe just plain old ignorance? Perhaps they've misinterpreted the verses in 1 Cor. 10:23, the passage which mentions "Everything is permissible, but not everything is benefitial" and v.29-31,

"For why should my freedom be judged by another's conscience? If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for? So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

...

i'm sorry if my thoughts aren't as collected tonight. (hahahha there IS a reason why these devo's are called "quasi-devos") I'll go back to my example about joining certain activities to witness to someone. Perhaps you guys can tell me why it's stupid to think that watching/reading/listening/understanding pop culture is a strategy for witnessing or evangelising. Nowhere in the Bible does it command you to get drunk to witness to the drunks, nor gamble to reach out to the gamblers, or even to catch up on O.C., Sex and the City, Family Guy, jsut so you can have a conversation starter, and...haha hopefully dive into the gospel.

HOWEVER, there are plenty of times where God tells us to avoid these things entirely!

"Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."
- 2 COR. 4:1-4

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people."
"Therefore come out from them
and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing,
and I will receive you."
"I will be a Father to you,
and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."
- 2 COR. 6:17-7:1

Do not think that this means we should LOVE differently. Or that we shouldn't come up with strategies to witness more efficiently. But sometimes, we get so caught up with coming with the best plans to evangelize and what WE should do/not do, that we forget the the message of the Cross is alive and powerful!....i mean....you point someone to the Cross, and He will work. And the biggest danger for us is that we tend to forget that He is the supplier of our power and strength....not ourselves.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."
- John 15:5

Be holy and do not conform.
Your (or His) holiness will attract attention.

Devo# 5 - Men of Christ

2006-02-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

My Brothers,

Are you 100% for Christ?

or are you 85% and say to yourself that God does not expect us to be perfect, and let loose the other 15%?

or are you 50% and decreasing?

or are you 25% and think that TIME alone will build you up?

or are you 5% but realise that this is more or less 0%, thus lost all hope?

Where are you?

Are you content with your life?

What about your Spiritual life?

Do you have deep communion with Him only when you're tired from your work or bored of your favourite pasttime?

Are you waiting for the Holy Spirit to change you? How are you waiting?

Are you willing to go 100% for Him who called you to give Him your all? ALL 100% of yourself?

Do you ever stop and ask the Holy Spirit to show you what is wrong in your life? And when you do, is it only during the stressful times of your life?

What is your idea of furthering His kingdom? Get a job, find a wife, raise some children, go to church, avoid temptations, die a good death? Are any one of these things a goal in itself? or are they a path to SPREAD His name?

What is the purpose of HIS kingdom being HERE on Earth?

What about your character and personality?

Do you ever dance for Him?

Do you ever sing for Him?

Do you ever SHOUT for Him?

Do you ever physically BOW before Him?

Are you answering the last 4 questions with, "I'm an introvert," or "That's just not me," or "I worship in my own way."?

Do you believe that He can change your bad to good, and your ok's to better?

Did you know that He wants to change you?

Are there activities in your life that you have hesitate to say it honours Christ?

Are you in love with God? or is it just an infatuation, a crush?

How far are you willing to go for love? More importantly, how far are you willing to go for your love of GOD?

What in your life is more important than HIM?

My brothers, are you 100% for CHRIST?

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship." - Romans 12:1

"Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all." - Colossians 2:20-3:11

Devo #4 - say what? where have i been?

2006-01-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hallelujah! hahahahhaha i've never heard that word mentioned so many times within one weekend, but by the end of this one, i can't help it but join in and PRAISE HIM! HALLELUJAH!!!

We're taking a break from talking about wisdom so that i can share to you what happened this weekend of jan 13-15.

HCCF Winter Retreat

I don't know how to describe this particular retreat. Most of the time, namely with Christian retreats, i go in prepared to find God for myself, and most of the time come out DESPERATELY TRYING only to hold on to what had happened at the retreat. This weekend, i went in knowing i'll be deprived a bit of the quiet time i want with God becuz i was handling most of the food for the entire retreat (and that's what happened, i didn't get to go to any discussions, and i only had saturday morning to do some devo). And at the end of the retreat, i got this unique sense that i've gained something, but it's not something i have to hold on to.

...no that's not entirely right....

....a sense that i got something unlike anything i had gotten from previous retreats, and i must continue to receive it, but it'll be easier than before.

...no that doesn't sound right.....

....it is something i must continue to receive from Him, and it won't be easier, but the hope of that HOLY LIFE He promised for His children gave me the courage to ask Him for His refinement in me.

the last one sounds the most accurate in regards to what i experienced this weekend. I didn't want to erase the previous statements because i think it helped guide my (and hopefully yours as well) understand of what happened.

"For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." - 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

This verse now MEANS something to me. I still don't understand completely what the apostle Paul was trying to say, and you're now wondering why and how this passage can mean something to me if i'm still confused about it. But i tell you that i will be putting a lot of thought and research into what it all means to DIE and LIVE.

not LIVE and DIE.

Roger, our speaker that weekend, spoke sharp words which i belief were blessed and approved by God.

Here's, in point form, what stuck in my head, and i daresay, is the main point of his message.
- We're sick of ourselves; Satan is NOT the only enemy. Our own nature, our sinful nature, tortures us.
- We do NOT become Christians, we are NOT saved, when we receive Christ into our hearts. The salvation Christ brought with Him was not only from sin, but from ourselves. Therefore this salvation is continuous, daily, and it is the salvation from ourselves.
- We can't live TWO lives at the same time. Most of the time we live compartmentalised lives, half for God, half for the world. God will not accept that. Therefore one of these lives must die.
- We, on our own, do not have the authority to put to death the life that God hates....soooo...
- THE SON BECAME FLESH, AND DID IT FOR US! ON THAT CROSS, THAT LIFE OF SIN WE OFTEN HOLD ON TO, DIED WITH HIM, SO THAT WE CAN, BY FAITH, LIVE THAT HOLY LIFE WE ALL YEARN FOR.

that last statement really redefined what death and dying meant for me. For my whole live, everytime i go to a conference and am moved, i hear the same message, or similar messages, on the fact that we need to DIE, that we need to put to death our old lives...BUT IT'S NEVER BEEN EMPHASIZED TO ME THAT IT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE!! I've always felt like this is something that I, ME, PAUL,'s got to do before i can live that awesome life for God. And the truth is that i've failed everytime. Covenant after covenant, oath after oath, promise after promise, i make and i break. I say it and then go back to the old life like it's because i have no choice and i might as well. I always come of retreats or conferences CONVINCED that i have to die, that i have to put to death my old life.

funny, all i had really to do was have faith that my old life was already dead, instead of having my confidence shot from countless failures of something we all know we can't do ourselves.

so is that what that passage means by "he died for all, therefore all died"?

sigh....

hahahahahahhahahahahahahahhaahahahahhahaAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHHAHAAHAHHAHA

SIGH...

i'm SO ready to move on. SO ready to be refined by fire. SO ready do His will!!

the kingdom of tools

2005-11-29T22:23:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there existed a Kingdom of Tools. Tools of every kind, from the kind that is used to make things, to the kind that fixes those things, to the kind that fixes other tools, lived happily together under the rule of the King, the Maker and FIXER of all things.

In this Kingdom of Tools, there was one particular Tool that really didn't know what he could be used for. He wanted to make things, but he just can't get himself to do it. He also wanted to fix things, but somehow he just wasn't strong enough for that.

One day, while living out this semi-pointless life of his, this particular Tool saw that some of his close friends were broken and malfunctioning, or at least, as far as he can tell. He decided right there and then, for the sake of his friends, that he'll become one of those Tools that fixes other Tools.

And so our particular Tool sets his mind to it, and builds up the determination to fix his friends. To his dismay, however, he again could not do it. Nothing that he did seemed to help. Discouraged, he went away.

Now the King, who was a compassionate and caring person, knew his subjects and his people well personally. He saw the pain and sadness of our (or rather, His) particular Tool. So he took this sad Tool into his arms, and spoke.

This is what He said,

"Silly Tool, do you still not realise why you couldn't fix your friends? nor anything else thus far? Let me tell you. You are a Tool, AND I AM THE MAKER AND FIXER. Without me operating you, OF COURSE you couldn't 'bring yourself to make things.' Without me plugging you in and using you, OF COURSE you weren't 'strong enough' to fix the WORLD! Foolish but beloved child, I will fix your friends, but I will do so when I KNOW the time is right, and I will use Tools that I KNOW is right for the job.

"So here what I want you to do. Have a seat with me, be thankful for what I have given you, but hustle while you wait, and be ready, because there'll be a time when I'll use you for what you were UNIQUELY created for."

Devo #3 - Wisdom

2005-11-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

"Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts. Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn't wisdom. It's the furthest thing from wisdom--it's animal cunning, devilish conniving. Whenever you're trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others' throats. Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced."
James 3:13-17

I love how the Message always translate the Bible STRAIGHT into my heart. I totally thought I had that passage down after reading it a couple of times in NIV, but apparently, as I realized now, I'm more simple-minded than I thought I was.

What's wisdom to you? The definition of wisdom is: to be able to discern/distinguish good from bad, to have a good perception of things, common sense, etc. But then what? Before we can extend the definition of wisdom to "to know what to do or say in any situation," or basically, become a teacher of wisdom, we, as children of God, need to learn that there's something else that's more important than to show others that we are wise.

I've learned that, no matter how much wisdom I think I have to share, nothing teaches others about the wisdom of God more than your lifestyle. Nobody really wants to listen to advice from someone who is in constant inner turmoil. Nor from someone who likes to brag about his troubles. You know, the type of sharing that sounds like this: "you think YOU have it bad? Listen to what I'M going through!"

Shamefully, I confess that I have been that person who has tried to give "godly" wisdom when I had no idea how to stay joyful in my own life. And I have definitely tried to boast about my troubles, in vain attempt to convince others that I've experienced a lot in life, therefore I am wise.

Our Father, through the book of James, slapped me silly with the above passage. And I hope it slaps you silly as well. Like Faith, Wisdom is demonstrated through DEEDS, not words.

2 points that we need to remember about wisdom:
1) Godly wisdom comes from FEAR of the LORD.
2) Wisdom cannot only be KNOWLEDGE of what to do or say. It must be shown with a good life.
Do wisdom.

It's still hard

2005-10-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

Life is not getting easier. Living for the Lord means Satan will be working overtime to trip me up...and even tho all he's doin now is throwing sticks and stones compared to what God is doin in me, they still trip me up once in a while.

Praying...

He's so good to me. Why can't I respond appropriately?

Things....

2005-10-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

...that I'm currently trying to learn:

1) How to humble myself. Seriously, there are times when I can THINK that everything just points to the fact that i'm THAT good, or THAT much better than whoever at whatever...

2) How to TRUST a being who's perfect...namely GOD. I'm very impatient at times, and so when i see a problem in others, i go for it and try to help them. But i'm learning that, as a friend (or even family member), there only so much you can do for them while you stay within GOD's wisdom. Since God is timeless and at the same time loves us, I need to trust that His timing and His actions will do the trick. Sounds like i have it all down, but this is one of those things that definitely needs refining in me.

3) How to godly interact with worldly people.

4) How to godly interact with godly girls, without a hint disrespect or misunderstanding.

5) The full meaning of GRACE. And God's Love.

...I have learned:

1) Parents are wise, no matter how naive or old-fashioned their ways seem. Even if they do NOT know God, their experiences in life make them a very valid source of wisdom.

2) Old-fashioned morals and way of life ROCKS!! By "old" i mean the previous generation, not too old like the Crusades and witch hunting.

3) and this one's been hard to swallow... Facts over feelings...at all times. Not to say feelings have no merit, but facts must always precede feelings when it comes to decision-making. No matter how painful it might be to follow the facts and no matter how right and good you think it will feel to do what the feelings are guiding you towards. God is not predictable but there exists a ....uhh...template on which God has worked through. (i feel like i'm about to dig into something i'm totally not qualified to dig into) First, God provided His wisdom in a form in which it is possible for us humans to comprehend, and it's found in His WORD. Second, He uses the FACTS and situation that we can blatantly and obviously see and hear and know (so that we can't say God didn't make it clear) to help us GROW, ONLY IF WE STICK TO THE WISDOM HE INITIALLY PROVIDED. And the third thing that God will send, and MUST BE the LAST THING that comes up in OUR HUMANLY ANALYSIS of situations, are the EMOTIONS. They are provided by Him to help us .... to enjoy the reward for obeying Him....to see the beauty of HIS timing and planning.

uhh actually i think i'm gonna need to put the previous point in "Things I still have a lot of learn about"

holy _____!!

2005-10-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

GOD IS SO HOLY!!!! I CAN'T GET OVER IT!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA...

how can i effectly communicate JUST HOW GOOD OUR LORD IS TO US?!?! I CAN'T CONTAIN MY JOY!!!

i was once one who got annoyed when i saw how excited and exuberant some of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ were. Just annoyed at the fact that they can't seem to keep to themselves and thought that they may as well be just trying to show off their spirituality. THat i have that joy but i just don't choose to show it every moment of my life!

If you think that way, think about this...

HOW ELSE CAN YOU SHOW THAT YOU HAVE THAT JOY OF YOUR SALVATION IF YOU DON'T SHOW IT?...ESPECIALLY WITH THE ISSUE OF AN EMOTION, HOW CAN YOU JUST SAY THAT YOU ARE JOYFUL, WITHOUT SHOWING IT IN THE WAY YOU DEAL WITH LIFE???

God, plz don't ever stop!!! Your movements move me!

Devo #2

2005-10-23T19:38:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been attending Philpot Memorial Church. It's crazy how they're growing so fast and so much in their faith and walk and deeds and love in/with/for/of Christ. I love their worship, their commitment..just EVERYTHING! I do not plan on transferring membership from my church in 'sauga for them, but i'll definitely be taking big pieces of Philpot and hopefully help my home church grow in the same way.

This week's sermon is definitely something i'll be chewing on for a while and most definitely something i'll want to share with my homechurch.

The pastor was again speaking of MERCY. And the main point of the whole thing was that we were FIRST SHOWN MERCY by the perfect GOD. And our recognition of this initial act of GRACE will (or should) provide us with more than enough reason and motivation to GIVE MERCY.

MERCY is LOVE in action.

So here's the thing: When you read the parable of the Good Samaritan, what do you see? More specifically, who do YOU relate to the most?

Perhaps you see yourself as someone who's always been that Samaritan, or that the MAIN lesson is to be more like him. Or maybe you see that sometimes, if not most of the time, you've been that priest and that Levite, just ignorant to the needs of those God has placed in front of you. These have been my typical perspectives.
The pastor gave us (me, anyway) a new way of picturing it, in addition to the previous ones...

You and I, we are that dude left to die. The Father, the Samaritan, came to save us.

Jesus told us this parable not only to show us that we NEED to give mercy, but WE DESPERATELY NEED MERCY OURSELVES!!!....

Think about that.

And then pray about this:
"We know love by this, that He laid down His Life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has the world's goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him? Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth. We will know by this that we are of the truth, and will assure our hearts before Him in whatever our hearts condemn us..."
1 John 3:16-20

been a while...forgot what the last post was leading to

2005-09-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

yeah it's been .....wow...long time....guess i didn't have time...

oh yeah...i remember now...

i was sitting near the front of the a GO bus back to hamilton one late saturday night. I tried to sleep but this "couple" in front of me were talking very loudly. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but my ears are sensitive and they pick up words and phrases such as "i like to smoke weed once in a while", or "nope, i haven't tried it like that, maybe next time." or just swear words....plenty of them....

that's what caught my attention, but when i did listen to their conversation, i cringed mostly from the format of the convo... the guy couldn't stop talking about himself, and what he does and what he's good at and what he's done....the only way the girl got to say something was when she interupted him to share what she thinks ....and then immediately the guy would give his two cents worth...like..."oh yeah, i totally agree, like this one time, I ....." seriously....many a times when i just wanted to stand up and slap the guy silly, yelling, "YOU'RE NOT CONVERSING PROPERLY!!"....

but ....i'm now worried about how i'm more annoyed by the fact that there weren't very socially capable than the fact that they were talking about drug-use, sex, and more drug-use.

hmmmm

Social skills are important. Especially with God.

2005-08-07T21:14:00.000-07:00

more to come on this topic later. it involves me sitting on a GO bus from Union to Hammy, listening to 2 sets of boy/girl loud chatter... saddens me to hear them.

wish i hadn't been so wired. wish i was oblivious to the evil and confusion in this world.

life check.

2005-08-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

THIS IS A LIFE CHECK. ARE YOU ALIVE OUT THERE. ALL THE LIVE PEOPLE SHOW ME YOU CARE.

i made the last part up....it's a piece by Pocketdwellers. wicked jazz/hiphop fusion.

where are all you lively peeps at!? where is your joy??
LOOK FOR IT IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT.
RESEARCH IT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT JOY IS.
DON'T LET SIN GET IN YOUR WAY OF EXPERIENCING THE TRUE JOY OF CHRIST.

It's because of the sin in our lifes...NO...IT'S THE FORGIVENESS OF THIS SIN THAT MAKES THIS JOY EXIST, that makes this joy POSSIBLE.

be joyful today. BE JOYFUL FOREVER. do not hold it in....DON'T BE SELFISH!!! SHARE YOUR JOY!

why do i keep checking the number of comments?

2005-07-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

YOU MUST INCREASE, I MUST DECREASE. devo#1

2005-07-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

A lesson all must learn. Our attitude should always revolve around this statement; we must humble ourselves and put CHRIST above everything else.

IRONICALLY, when it comes to our existance on Earth and comparing that to God's being...hahahhahaha.....we really can't decrease any further, nor can God increase anymore than what He already is. Since His existance extends past the physical realm, we can truly say He's INFINITELY greater than anything that we can perceive. And compared to Him, we are pretty much nothing.

YET we are still SOMETHING in the EYES OF GOD!! How is it that the infinitely GREATER God sees us, the finite, as worthy of His Love? NOT TO MENTION HIS ATTENTION?!? makes you feel good doesn't it? Makes me stop what i'm doin and just ponder for a while.

Actually, i did that today....wait i think it was the other way around...

I pondered, stopped walking, and scanned the horizon 360 deg. during sunset time.

You know how the Earth is round? no? well it is... we don't notice cuz it's THAT BIG. Or we are just THAT SMALL.

.....Hey Son, here's what i want you to do. I want you to go down to the hospital...

yep

...and give them ALL your blood...

why?

.....because they need it.....

who needs it?

..... my other kids, your younger stepsiblings. They're dying....

ok. Dad.

For those who know the story, a thought might once have passed through your head: It wasn't really a sacrifice, cuz He KNEW He was gonna rise from the dead, therefore no harm done.

Think. Do you think the gift of salvation would have been BETTER if God actually lost something in the process? Can an infinite God have something to LOSE? If He did, that would mean that God is limited, NOT all-powerful, and finite. Something finite cannot create something infinite, like space.

No. God didn't lose his Son.

But He still suffered. A lot. And shamed with sin, TO THE POINT THAT GOD THE FATHER HAD TO TURN HIS EYES...

Perhaps one of the reasons why we call Jesus' death a "sacrifice", even though God didn't lose anything, is that it helps us understand the LOVE of God. BUT the truth is...His death IS a sacrifice. Hebrews 10 describes it better than I can. We understand it as the Final Sacrifice Ever. Simply put, sin requires blood to pay, we used to butcher animals for this, then God sent his Son, as the final offering, so that we don't have to repeat this process anymore.

REREAD JOHN 3:16

"For God SO(OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) loved the world that He gave His ONE AND ONLY Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have ETERNAL (INFINITE, EVERLASTING, TIMELESS) life."

things to be grateful for

2005-07-07T06:07:00.000-07:00

after reading others' blogs, i realised that I've really never gave thanks, just rants. Maybe that just shows what's really in my heart. But nontheless, i think maybe if i started to write some things to be thankful down, i might actually BE THANKFUL for them.

Don't feel that you have to mention something extradinary and grand, Paul. If you don't feel thankful for it...well...just list what you feeling grateful for for now.

1) my housemate Christine. I don't know what she does, but she brings joy to my life.
2) my brother Peter, and his spiritual growth spurt.
3) the opportunity to be on CCF committee. Maybe it was the encouragement I got from reading the nomination comments back in april or something, but that really got me to start serving WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
4) my accountability guys, and although i still fall in my sins once in a while, i still...yeah i'm grateful for them. i guess i had higher expectations for the results, which from what i can see, differed only a bit from when i didn't have accountability partners.

things that i NEED to be grateful for.
1) GOD'S LOVE
2) ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ELSE

need to bulk up

2005-07-06T15:37:00.000-07:00

yep...

absolute God

2005-07-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

There is nothing absolute in this existance other then GOD. No truth is absolute unless there's a standard in which the truth is compared to. For example, a deed is good in some eyes and bad in others, but only compared to an absolute will we know if it is actually good or bad. Kinda abstract, yeah, but that's how i see things.

so with all these different denominations of churches, and even different opinions in a church, we tend to lose focus of God as our absolute. We tend to give our two-cents worth without turning to God.

something came up in my head....been meaning to talk about it.....keep forgetting....that's why i'm writing it down.

some people think that the movie "Bruce Almighty" is blasphemous. how so? perhaps, because the makers made God into a commercial icon? maybe...i never really got a chance to ask those who thought it was blasphamous... i did ask one or two friends, and they said it's because the makers were insulting God becuz they weren't accurate on the characteristics of God.
I say that you are more at risk of insulting God by LIMITING HIS ABILITIES AND CHOICE. in the movie, God gives his powers to Bruce, is light-hearted, wise, and gives the impression that He can be someone you can joke around with. Perhaps it is not wise to start a relationship wth God with these assumptions of his characteristics, but what if God initiates a similar relationship with you?! would you not take this opportunity to get to know Him the way HE WANTS YOU TO?! you say this is highly unlikely to happen, gathering from what God has been like in the Bible. I would agree, and the Bible is absolute. BUT what's NOT written in the Book may still happen. Some characteristics of God are given in the Bible, and yeah those are absolute...but what about the ones not mentioned...i dunno.....i'm tired... you know what i mean...i dunno why i'm ranting about this....i guess this all came up with a little debate with my church peeps about pros and cons of sweatshops... didn't know there were pros....

i need you Jesus...Plz don't leave me...i tremble at the thought of any given moment without you....and it seems like i'm ALWAYS trembling...let me feel your presence....please.

another answer to my own question

2005-07-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

k so i've come to the conclusion that education IS important in term of serving God. I had ranted several blogs ago that perhaps non-educated people would not associate with educated people, so had concluded that educated Christians will not be able to reach non-educated unbelievers.

My change of heart comes from the fact that education does not only develop knowledge, but helps in the general development of cognition and thinking. What i mean is that education will teach us how to think. It's about the constant exercise of the mind.

A non-educated person will have a hard time understanding the Bible, because the Bible is for studying. For the untrained mind, studying ANYTHING will be tough. SO if a Christian wanted to witness and evangelize to the non-educated, what good is it if he appeals to them because of their similar, (non-educated) status, but does not fully understand the Word of God himself? (btw if you still can't find the blog of which i'm currently trying to correct, the blog is called "NEW FRIEND")

The issue of pride still remains, but pride can be SUCKED UP for the sake of your salvation FASTER than you can INSERT wisdom and cognitive skills into yourself. Perhaps we as CHristians should at least provide the underlying information of salvation, and then let the HOLY SPIRIT work to get them to open up and give them a learning spirit.

so to conclude, it's not the knowledge nor status which stems from education that is important in witnessing and evangelism, but it's the exercising of the mind and the way of thinking which develops with education.

i guess i was ranting about it all cuz i wasn't doin so well in school, and there were a lot of pressure to do well. the pressure's still there, but now i know there's a good reason to stay in school.

when will i reach perfection?

2005-06-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

no seriously, don't tell me that i have to wait till i go to heaven to be perfect.
Weren't we first created to be in GOD's image? and wasn't His image perfect?! this is not bashing GOd hahahaha...(i'll have no foot to stand on in that debate) this is saying that sin managed to creep into a perfect creation and ruin it. Adam and Eve were with GOD, and yet sin still found it's way into hearts....the only way to be sinless is to be perfect like GOD, hmmmm, but then that would mean that we would have to BE gods....and knowing fully well that ONLY GOD IS GOD, we will never be GODS. So does this mean we'll never be perfect? and will heaven turn out to be another Earth situation?....does that mean that our "relationship" with God ends when we get to heaven, cuz of the lack of choice to do bad?...If heaven is where we were meant to be, what are we doin here in the first place?....

hmm....i dont feel angry or depressed or anything right now, nor did i at the beginning of this blog...these questions just seemed to be raised as i kept typing.

i don't think you SHOULD have an answer to these, but if you know of a way to comprehend all of this till we meet HIM, let me know.....or i shall let you know if i find out first...=P

grrr..

2005-06-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

stop playing just defence, Paul.

You've got to stop playing the game.

the answer to my own questions.

2005-06-15T23:13:00.000-07:00

my Change of heart: the enhancement and improvement of my current Christian walk.

The paradox that we make of it all

2005-06-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

ok, so...
i'll just go straight to it.

We are commanded to seek God's heart. Let's simplify. we are commanded to seek GOD. In other words, we are to seek a pure and holy life with God. We also know that this is impossible to do own our own power. Knowing this fact, then, the act of Asking God to help us to seek a pure and holy life with Him would mean that we are already seeking God, becuz we know we need Him to help us seek him.

haha

k so it's not as simple as that. FUnny how the more complicated an issue gets, the less likely it is still a paradox.

Onto a more serious question then.

The past few weeks, i've been bombarded (in a good way) thru bible studies and mentors, that instead of thinking that God disciplines and/or punishes us only when we make a mistake.... We know that that is not how he works. Our actions stem from our heart. GOD disciplines us so that we can change our hearts.

After all i've been thru, i really don't know what a changed heart would look like. and what does it look like before the change? does it mean a change in attitude? a change in faith? a change in perception? Matthew changed his heart, when he decided to follow Jesus and leave his Taxcollecting days behind; Saul had a HUGE change of heart also (along with the name!) But in these examples, the changes were pretty clear cut.
What about in a CHristian heart? perhaps one who cannot seem to let go of a particular sin? I WANT to give it alllllll up....I've been working on one for years! I KNOW i can't do it myself, and i HAVE gave it all up to God, (or have i.....sigh....) I realise that, YES, while we need to let God help us to succeed, Faith without works IS dead! Perhaps "works" in this context can mean, effort or even strategies to help oneself. "GOD helps those who help themselves"....i heard that from my parents. (warning: but you should know that you should never take anything as ABSOLUTE)
What should i change my heart to?...Love God more? Trust in God more? if the answer is yes, then yeah, i guess there's not much to talk about. these things will take time... and i'm starting to see, maybe that's exactly what needs to happen.

then again, i could be wrong....again.

HCCF

2005-06-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

We've finally got committee stuff up and running.... positions and roles have been chosen, and a vision seems to be in place. As far as the level of spirituality of the committee goes, we are pretty firm in the Lord, and praise HIM for that. But i feel that we have so much to learn...maybe a bit too much...ok fine....i'll just speak for myself then....I HAVE SOO MUCH TO LEARN. The school year is not upon me yet, so i guess i won't really know how tough it is till it starts.

more psych at play here.... i was chosen to be out/inreach coordinator this coming year, becuz of my outgoingness and hyperactive personality. I love gettin people pumped up for GOD! .... BUT...so many times, when we are OFFICIALLY given the task to do something you already love, you tend to get weary of it. Social psych...uhh... dang i forgot the term for that!....anyway.....my plan had been to do something else that's....relatively new, and perhaps something that requires me to learn to be different, AND at the same time, i can use my outgoingness and hyperactivity to help out, unofficially, like last year. It's not like i can lose this hyperness anytime soon. =P That way, i can really learn something, and might not get tired of being pumped up and pumping up all the time.

but then again...with this train of thought, i'm saying that it's hard to hold a career doing something one loves, which totally does not make sense.

Psych exam this thurs.
G driving exam next tues.

plz pray...and yeah i'm talking to you too, paul

Cause and Effect

2005-06-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

I did a research paper on Causality as Jean Piaget saw it in developing children. Piaget, for those who don't know, was a genius and his works focussed on child psych development, as well as epistemology.

Well this blog is not about him.

Our bible prestudy went over the story of Cain and Abel, then related it to Hebrews 12, the Discipline of God. And briefly, the topic of whether everything bad that happens to us is a lesson or the discipline of God. If it is, then let's say I lie to a friend one day, and when i get home, i get sick. Can i say that my lying must have caused the illness? Practically speaking, of course not.... but that is only if we exclude God from our eqtn. But then i wonder if God really works like that...

My grandfather, whom we all thought was a strong Christian, apparently does not understand salvation. For those who pray to the true God, plz do so.
I'm starting to think it's something I did...again... hahahha who do i think i am!?...but could it be?.... i dunno....i really pray that God wouldn't punish someone else for my mistakes, in order to teach me a lesson.

but then again, He's God, i'm not. YOUR WILL BE DONE.

btw, i love ryerson CCF'ers. you guys rock much.

gaming.

2005-06-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

i think that's about it for me. don't think i can play xbox anymore.....just too much time wasted...

more self-analysis

2005-05-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

why is it that i always focus on the riddance of antagonists?.... hahahhahaha....(abnormal psych teacher and her big words rubbing off on me) uhhh....why is it that i always try to get rid of the bad things in life, and not focus on getting the good?

similar, but different. When i did focus on the good, or a larger goal than just getting rid of the bad, I excelled! but it was quite shortlived, i think...i have to write everything down and put it in a close line of sight, just so i can remember.

It's like i'm that guy from the movie 'memento' with Guy Piearce. No short-term memory....oh sorry for those who haven't seen it yet.....i didn't ruin anything, i promise.

i'm wasting my time

2005-05-31T12:43:00.000-07:00

so much to do, but so little will power to do it...stupid computer.....stupid xbox.....stupid lack of self-control....stupid everything...

k goin to study....NOW!

Promises....

2005-05-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

yeah i broke it. Broke it like San Antonio broke the Suns, and the emphasize is on the word: "AGAIN". (btw this is the first time i broke the promise i made at CC, yes a week in)

And here I am with the dilemma of whether i should feel like crap, and perhaps break it AGAIN because I have already broken it.....OR..... to stay on course, brush it off my shoulders, and start the run and fun, again. (more emphasis on the same word, plz)

I hear what others are probably thinking about these 2 choices...another reason why i need to see a shrink bout these voices and perhaps treat my ADHD while they're at it... I can almost hear them say to me...well Paul...you know, nobodies perfect...you just gotta work harder next time and....

"WORK HARDER NEXT TIME"!?!?!? ....i HATE HEARING THAT....it's one of those things that i think i've been conditioned to hate as a child. or perhaps conditioned myself to hate as i learn more about how life works. HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVEN'T HIT MY PEAK!?...ARE YOU SAYING I HAVEN'T BEEN TRYING?!?!...sigh...if you have read my previous blogs, i think i mentioned something about me not knowing how to try my best anymore....this is not helping.

or they could be saying: "Hey if you can't take God seriously, then why did you make that promise from the beginning?"

Are you saying we shouldn't make promises, as reasonable as they are, just because we MIGHT not be able to keep it? I'm too tired to ask all the other questions....something's nagging at me, fueling doubt of my own philosophy, which i try to correspond with God's, but since God's philosophy is perfect, who can fully comprehend it?

yikes, the more i think about this...the more i just wanna be comatose. We can't sin when we are comatose.

can we?

Emotions

2005-05-27T22:13:00.000-07:00

As a guy who almost failed the course called emotional devel., i'm not sure if what i say would have any more merit than anyone else. Then again...it's only a blog=P

I used to thnk that, despite it being an unappreciated creation of God, like flies, emotions are really useless in our quest for purpose and knowledge. AND this may be so. I had held on to the saying,"leave your emotions at the door [when thinking logically/making decisions]" maybe too tightly; I haven't really left much room in myself to think about the purpose of emotions as we search for OUR reason for existance.
I think i still hold on the method of thinking, that one should leave emotions at the door, and should always strive to think logically, without the "corruption" of feelings. THis way of thinking, as i see it now, should be allowed only for a) when doin math eqtns, where emotions cannot help you and ...hahaha.....shouldn't be there in the first place, and b) when it involves the opposite sex. One should always think logically when given the choice to date or not, and other corresponding decisions.

BUT, when it comes to seeking God, one cannot exclude a part of yourself in this search. Since emotions are innate (it's still being debated and such....psychologists don't like the word INNATE ...blah blah blah) we should be able to GLORIFY God with it, no? Well that's simple enough, as we experienced at campus challenge this past long weekend, as we have during all other GI-NORMOUS Christian camps/conferences. the spiritual high. Psalms is all bout the emotions. I didn't understand anything in Psalms, until i once stumbled upon it when i was brokened emotionally. I started to be able to relate to David. Even Paul in his letters were filled with emotion. Every letter had some specific msg, and with each msg you can almost feel his frustration/sincere worry/joy/anger at the original readers.

What i'm trying to say is, Christianity MAKES SENSE, but one needs to be capable for emotionality to be able to reach the deeper levels of GOD, and his love for all of us.
A HA! LOVE!!! hahaha that's an emotion!!!! how can one intelluctually, and solely intelluctually comprehend Love? ESPECIALLY GOD'S LOVE???

There's another side that we have to watch for.
As i had mentioned in my small group at CC, so i will write this down, not only for others, but really mostly so that i can remember.

We often fall into traps, coming out of a GI-NORMOUS christian conference, all in a SPIRITUAL HIGH. We re-integrate ourselves into the secular world, knowing exactly what we need to do, and SPLAT! we land hard on our backs....failing to maintain promises we made while we were on that high. WHy? well i speak for myself, really, that it may be because we try hard to replicate the FEELING/EMOTION of the conference. I came back from Kcamp and TC every year, wanting to make everyone feel the way i felt there. Yes we are suppose to share our experiences and perhaps our motivations, with those who did not come along, but when i tried to recreate the atmosphere in the worship or BS, i failed every time. WHY???? cuz my emotions came from my personal realisation/conviction/repentance. therefore, since we are not all telepathic, others do not share the same experiences from the same point of view. Sharing our joy without sharing the SOURCE of this joy is like copying a homework assignment. It may help them feel better for a while, but on the long run....what are they being joyful about?...only because YOU ARE? it just doesn't help them.

This year, i've held on to what i've learned, and am continuing to make sure i progress in my own spiritual growth. I'VE ESPECIALLY BEEN CAREFUL THAT I DON'T SIT AND MENTALLY CONJURE UP THE SCENES IN WHICH I FELT MOST EMOTIONAL AT THE EVENT. yes i used to do that....yes i WAS a loser.=P however, it's been almost a full week since CC, and i've noticed DRAMATIC changes...Every moment seems to be GOD-CENTRED and i never seem to want to leave my prayer. ANd the funny thing is...i'm living each day with similar emotions that i experienced at CC. hahahahahaha God is so amazing, which is to say, a total understatement.

i hope people read this and give me feedback.
I hope I read this and will give MYSELF feedback.

New friend

2005-05-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

Met a new friend today. He works with the construction workers outside MDCL. His name is richard and he has dropped out of 3 different HS cuz he didn't want to stay. Now he stands all day with a Slow/Stop sign in his hand for 9 straight hours. He came up to me and said hi, asked me where i went to HS and such...poked fun at me...which means he's friendly =P.

This made me think about education, and it's significance in a life of a person who wants to serve God. If i had been in a suit, would richard have come up to be a joked with me? People (including myself) have made me think that in order to witness well, i need to be educated. Do I?...NO! in this day and age where pride has gotten people to ignore those in a higher class than them, most labourers don't really think the educated are all that great. It's super hard to befriend someone of a different status. What i'm trying to say is, i think God will use you to witness to those around you....and an educated person will be around other educated people most of the time. so what about those non-educated people? they don't really hang out wiht the nerds much, so who will speak of the GOOD NEWS to them, and at the very least befriend them?...WHO WILL WITNESS TO THE UN-EDUCATED YET PRIDEFUL PEOPLE IF ALL CHRISTIANS ARE BEING BROUGHT UP TO BE EDUCATED??

ok i see how this is an issue of sucking in one's pride....and yes....one at least needs to be educated enough to be able to understand the Bible....so many issues to think about.

What am i doin here at Mac....?

midterm....

2005-05-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

k something i realised....trying ones best may not produce success, but i think it was meant to provide a sense of self-efficacy and self-satisfaction. Maybe i had focused to much on trying to produce the result. God knows our best is not enough...but He seems to be satisfied when we try our hardest.

k so my dilemma now is.....I DON'T KNOW IF I'M TRYING MY BEST OR NOT!! is trying one's best defined by the more or less the ability to do what one plans on doin?...ok that sounds too confusing...let me simplify....if i have to try hard to stay focus on studying, but fall prey to occasional daydreams, which, i am able to snap out of within like a few secs, can i look back and say i wasnt'trying my best because i didn't, or wasn't able to use those few secs to study?

still very complicated....yeah....i really really wanna go see a psychologist....but am sorta afraid that he'll point out that i am a psych student and therefor have fallen into the trap of self-diagnosis, whihc is a HUGE NO-NO...

i love Jesus sooooo much

The Beginning.

2005-05-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

oh no what have i done....hahaha another distraction...